


voicemails

by justanonlinelove



Series: voicemails [1]
Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:54:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24033109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanonlinelove/pseuds/justanonlinelove
Summary: a series of imaginary voicemailsit was more poetic in my head
Series: voicemails [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049780
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

hey.

so, i'm not sure why i'm doing this.

it's been a while since we talked.

well, okay, that's not true, we talked like yesterday.

but it's been a while since we really talked. had a conversation that was genuinely important.

i miss that.

i know i shouldn't. we're both in such different places now, but i can't help but miss it.

i used to tell you everything. you shaped some of the most important parts of my life. you used to tell me everything too. we spent every spare moment talking to each other every single day. i'll never forget that. you still know more about me than anyone else, which is almost terrifying, but i doubt you know that.

losing you was my first real heartbreak.

i thought that you would be in my life forever. it was us against the world once.

my sisters missed you too, and it killed me.

i think we're both in good places now. i still think about you every day though. i have since, well, y'know, the thing happened. it changed a lot for me, but i like to hope i've changed for the better.

i wonder what things could have been like a lot. i wonder where we would be right now if that hadn't happened. i wonder if i'd be happier. i don't know. i guess we'll never know.

i love you.


	2. Chapter 2

hey!

i hope you're having a good day! sorry, this is probably going to be short because i'm supposed to be downstairs for dinner in a minute, but i figured i'd leave you a quick message first.

i'm not great at talking to phones, sorry; it just always feels too much like i'm talking to myself.

i saw the thing you sent me! absolutely adorable, by the way. and my dad- sorry, cap- sent me this one star wars meme that you just need to see, so i'll send you that now.

love you, bye, talk later!


	3. Chapter 3

hey, hi- this is so awkward already, i am so sorry, i am terrible.

also, sorry. i probably shouldn't be doing this, but you know that. whatever, it's too late now. it is late at night and i can't sleep so i guess i'm here making this. i guess i should probably get to the point, but now i am avoiding doing precisely that. god, this was a terrible idea; sorry.

fun drinking game: take a shot every time i apologize for doing this as i do it.

hey wait no, for the record, that was a joke, sorry, please don't do that, underage drinking is bad!

y'know, that one fall out boy- or maybe it's panic at the disco? well, that's not the point. as much as you've denied it, you're definitely emo, so i'm assuming you know that one lyric that's like i wonder if your therapist knows about me or something? i think that's how it goes, and my therapist definitely knows about you. not as much as she wants to, because i'm stubborn and annoying, but she has some theories. they're absolutely ridiculous, in my opinion, unless they're not. to be completely honest, i think she could be right, but i don't think you'd ever admit it if she was.

a lot of sabrina benaim poems remind me of you.

okay, wow, this is getting serious quickly. i doubt you know who she is, so maybe don't look her up. she's a poet. a lot of her writing is about heartbreak and unrequited feelings, to make your research quicker. so yeah, i'm guessing that revealed a lot, too much. a lot of slam poems make me think of you. a lot of things make me think of you.

i wish i didn't think of you.

i have too many memories. too many images of you flash when i close my eyes on a bad day. they are never the bad moments. it might hurt less if they were the bad moments. but they're not, you know. they're always you, smiling, staring, happy. you don't look at me like that anymore. you don't look at me at all, i think. if you do, what do you think?

i have everything and nothing to say to you.

do you know what love is? i don't think i do.

i just know that when i think of love, i think of you. not only you, but still you.

i'm not saying i love you, but i'm saying i still could.

i'm sorry.

you make me feel too much. rarely happy anymore, but sometimes still.

i held a razor blade in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other. i thought about everyone, but you were the most prominent. god, how i wish you weren't so important to me. i almost texted you. i laughed, and then cried, and then decided it was not an emergency. i put them both away unused. i don't know if you have anything to do with that. i think you did. i don't like to think about it.

i don't like to think about it.

i don't want to answer, but i do, and everything is just so confusing. you're just so confusing.

i still wonder what you did with that one thing. i wonder if you know what i'm talking about. if you don't, sorry.

i wonder if you still think of me. i think i already know.

i will probably bother you again in the future. somehow, we never seem to end.

can i say thanks for coming to my ted talk? that either seems insane or has some sort of poetic juxtaposition. hopefully it's the latter.

thanks for coming to my ted talk!

sorry.

bye.


	4. Chapter 4

hi!!

i hope youŕe having a good school day. 

you're honestly so lucky, i wish we were in school. i get kind of lonely. 

i'm so bored. i'm currently in my stupid ap computer class, which is gross. i am honestly tired of ones and zeroes.

i've got the black lipstick n shit on today and it's such a vibe, i'm kind of hoping i scare away a man or something, y'know?

so fun update: speak of the devil, according to a kid in my class i look like a murderer. so i guess it worked!

i have to go, unfortunately, because i know you just _love_ hearing me ramble. 

i have math, where i actually have to pay attention.

oh yeah, i'm super excited to see you this weekend!

okay, seriously, math has started, he's going to call me out.

bye!


	5. Chapter 5

is an introduction really needed? you know me, i know you, it works.

you know what sucks? mood swings. i'm about to rock my own shit and hope that something knocks into place in my head. that's a great idea, i know, i came up with it myself.

now i'm on medication like a cool kid. because having to mess with your own brain chemistry to function is definitely cool.

so my plan for today- tonight, whatever- is to take down tumblr. this is fucking genius and you can't convince me otherwise. i'll get them to sell me the entire website for like, a piece of modern art or something, i haven't figured that part out yet, and they'll obviously give it to me. then i can just remove all of the traumatic content and proana shit and anything that romanticizes mental illness; it'll be great! 

i might destroy dark academia because i think it's bland. too much brown, y'know? actually wait, no, fuck, it kind of fits the snicketverse. it can stay, but it's on thin fucking ice. i would take down some of the kidcore stuff because it makes me kind of uncomfortable, but i have online friends that live for it, so i guess i'll just let everyone have their aesthetics or whatever.

i will definitely take down the 'not pro just using tags' tag and everything related to it because fuck tumblr, i have been down so many thinspo holes, it's a problem. i want it to be not a problem. so obviously i need to own the website.

now i know you may be thinking 'hey mj: i didn't ask!' and i can't blame you. actually, you're more likely thinking madi than mj, but i am cooler now. obviously.

or, y'know, i got sick of being me so i decided to change the things that define me, like my hair and my name and the way i dress and act, because i needed to separate myself from the version of me that got bullied and makes me cry just to think about so. yeah! and that's on repressing trauma man, what can i say?

i think i need to stop going on tangents, but i can't help it, they're so much fun!

now it is time to get serious! because i did not actually want to ramble for however long that was, actually time is an illusion, but you know that.

did you know? did you realize how broken i was?

how did you deal with it for so long?

what changed? is it because i got more sick? i'm sorry.

i'm getting better though! i think.

i wish things could just go back to how they used to be. i miss the way things used to be. i miss you.

so this is really fucking lame, wow. sorry about that.

well, good night. um, please text back? or respond, or something? 

thanks, i think. good night. sorry.


End file.
